


Yet the stars still dare

by charleia



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:08:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26897962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charleia/pseuds/charleia
Summary: AU where Gwendolyn pays a little more attention to Mildred during the puppet show
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 23
Kudos: 205





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW // mentions of sexual abuse and violence
> 
> this one is for another tumblr prompt i received!

It was the way that the shimmer in her eyes had disappeared, that Gwendolyn knew something was up. 

She noticed it in the way Mildred’s eyes no longer held their trademark sparkle, but that something akin to fear had begun to reside in her eyes. Or the way that her smile had turned into a pained grimace and how her breathing had turned shallow. 

Gwendolyn looked at the puppet show, how a friendly-looking bard moved the marionettes around, excitedly chattering with his audience. How could this trouble her so? She rested a hand atop Mildred’s. “Hey—” she whispered, but no reply came. It only seemed to upset Mildred even more. “Mildred,” Gwendolyn whispered, gently shaking her from her trance. 

“No,” Mildred mumbled, shaking her head profusely, “No!”

“Mildred, hey, shh—” Gwendolyn hushed her, grabbing her by the wrist. “Come, let’s get you out of here.” Carefully, as to not disrupt the show, she guided the shuddering Mildred outside. “Hey— easy, darling, easy, it’s alright, let’s get some fresh air. Hey? Sit down for a bit.”

Mildred was breathing erratically now, eyes screwed shut as she clutched onto Gwendolyn’s arm, as if she were the last lifeline on a quickly sinking ship. Meekly, she allowed Gwendolyn to sit her down on one of the benches. “How could he do something like that?” Mildred cried, tears streaming down her cheeks, “How could he  _ say _ those things, it’s like he  _ knew _ .”

“Knew what?” Gwendolyn asked, scanning Mildred with a worried look. She lifted her hand, a single finger brushing over Mildred’s cheek. 

Flinching, Mildred moved her head away. The sudden touch, though gentle and well-intended, fet like a hot poker against her skin. “Don’t!” She clasped her hands over her ears, trying to drown out the plaguing memory of voice of the man. “

“I’m sorry,” Gwendolyn held up her hands, away from Mildred, “I won’t do that anymore.” Her chest ached, mind overflowing while trying to find a way to help out. “Mildred,” she said softly, “Mildred, hey— breathe,  _ breathe. _ ”

Mildred gave a small nod.  _ Breathe _ , she thought. Mentally, she tried to count. Two seconds in through the nose, four seconds out through the mouth. Slowly, she managed to steady her breathing. “I want to go,” she said softly. “I want to go back to the motel.”

“Okay, I’ll drive us,” Gwendolyn said, “Can I touch you? Is that okay?”

Tentatively, Mildred nodded and with the utmost gentleness, Gwendolyn wrapped her hand around her pinky and ring finger. Baby steps, she figured. 

Mildred took a shuddery breath, eyes trained on their joined hands. 

“Can you stand?”

“Yes.”

Gwendolyn stood up, restraining herself from pulling poor Mildred into an embrace. “Let’s go,” she said, “You’ll be able to get some rest at the motel.”

  
  


Mere hours had passed and Mildred hadn’t said another word. It was late, now, she had already changed into the thick grey robe and her hair loosely fell down her back. With a worried look on her face, she paced the room, occasionally stopping at the window to stare outside. Watching the waves crash against the rocks had a strangely soothing effect. 

“Do you want to talk about what just happened?” Gwendolyn asked as she emerged from the bathroom, dressed in her navy pyjamas. “What exactly troubled you?”

“Nothing.”

Gwendolyn tilted her head, shaking her head in disbelief. “I think you know that that response won’t stand.”

Mildred folded her arms over her chest. Absentmindedly, she stared out the window. 

“You need to let me know what is going on with you, Mildred, otherwise I’m not going to know what to do.”

“I am sorry.”

“You needn’t apologise,” Gwendolyn said, “You just have to start to communicate with me. I want to help you.” She stood up from the bed and walked over to Mildred. “And I think you want to be helped, deep down.”

Mildred turned around, guiltily looking at Gwendolyn. She bit her lip, willing herself to not start crying. 

“That night in the hospital…” Gwendolyn said softly, “You wanted to tell me something. I heard you, as I woke up. You held my hand and you told me there was something you needed to tell me about yourself. So tell me.”

Swallowing, Mildred averted her gaze. She closer her eyes momentarily. “Let’s sit,” she said softly. “Could you sit over there on the other bed, opposite to me?”

Gwendolyn raised her eyebrow at this, but obeyed the request. 

Mildred sighed, folding her hands into her lap. “When I was a little girl,” she began, voice wavering, “My mother decided that she no longer wanted to be a mother. I was eleven years old then. I was placed into the foster system. I must have been on my third family when I met him. A young boy, a couple of years younger than me. I cared for him, for us. The family we were in abused us. Mentally, physically. Most of the families we were in would do so. They would take us in for the money and just… Beat us at any given opportunity.” Pained at the memory, Mildred winced.

Nodding along, Gwendolyn encouraged her to go on. She raised her hand to rest it on Mildred’s knee but she changed her mind mid-motion. For a moment, it hovered in the air before Mildred took it. 

“There was a caseworker who took a liking to us,” Mildred continued. “She forged our paperwork. She wrote down that we were biological siblings. She made sure that we were to stay together no matter what. In spite of everything, we would always have each other. The last family… They, too, abused us. But this family was worse than all the others combined. They—” Mildred closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Gwendolyn said, “You can trust me.”

“This man…” Mildred said, “This man and his wife, they had a puppet theatre as well. How I used to love puppet shows. Though soon I found out that the theatre was not for puppets. It was meant for us. They forced my brother and I to perform sexual acts on one another. In front of an audience.” Tears shimmered in her eyes and she blinked them away. “I’m not sure how long it went on,” she said, “But at some point, my brother and I decided we needed to escape. To get away as far as possible from these— these  _ monsters. _ But he wasn’t going to let them get away with it. No, he decided that he had to get his revenge. That he had to kill them… And he did. He told me to flee,” 

Mildred’s voice had reduced to a whisper, but Gwendolyn could still hear it crack. She squeezed Mildred’s hand.

“He told me to run away and I did. I was so scared and I left him. I just— I left him behind. We lost one another that day.” With her free hand, she dashed away her tears that had managed to escape. “I made a promise to myself then and there that, one day, I would find him. It took me years upon years, but I finally have,” she said, finally looking up to meet Gwendolyn’s gaze. “He’s a patient at Lucia State Hospital. It’s Edmund. Edmund Tolleson is my brother.”

Gwendolyn blinked in disbelief, retreating her hand. “What—” she muttered, “Your  _ brother? _ ”

“And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Mildred continued, tears rolling down her cheeks, “I really am. The things I did to find him, to get closer to him. Those were immoral acts. I understand that you might feel angry or used but  _ please _ try to understand that I had no choice. He’s my brother. If I had to, I would do it all over. I’m sorry I was dishonest, I really am, but I couldn’t just let him die. He wasn’t always a monster. He got turned into one.”

“I—” Gwendolyn shook her head, “You lied to me.”

“I know,” Mildred said, “I know, I’m sorry. Please, I wish you could forgive me.”

Gwendolyn stood up, pacing the room. “Has everything you told me been a lie?”

“No,” Mildred replied, “No, I never lied about my feelings for you. I love you, Gwendolyn, I really do. What I feel for you, I’ve never felt for anyone else before,  _ ever _ .” Mildred stood up and walked over to Gwendolyn, tentatively raising her hands to frame her face. “I love you.” 

Gwendolyn closed her eyes and shook her head. Her heart ached. She was angry. She  _ wanted _ to be angry. Still, her heart had been weak for Mildred ever since the day she met her. “Do you, really?” she asked “Because I don’t think you have any idea of what you feel. It wouldn’t be fair to use the way I feel about you to your advantage.”

Mildred shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that, Gwendolyn,  _ please _ trust me on that.” she said, “And I may not understand much of my feelings, you’re right about that but, this, I know for sure.” With her thumb, she caressed Gwendolyn’s cheek. “I love you,” she repeated, trying to smile through her tears while wiping away Gwendolyn’s. “I do.”

“Mildred—” Gwendolyn whispered, loosely grasping her hands, “What am I supposed to do?” she asked, “You betrayed my trust.”

“I know I did, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know how I have gotten so captivated by you. I can’t get you out of my mind, you haunt me in my dreams. I have grown to care for you so much. I can’t stand the thought of letting you go even though you hurt me. Even though you were dishonest.”

Mildred touched her head to Gwendolyn’s. “I know you’re mad, I know you don’t believe me when I tell you that I truly love you. Try to let go of that suspicion, I beg of you.”

“Prove it, then,” Gwendolyn said, “Prove to me that this is real.”

A chill ran down Mildred’s spine. Her eyes flicked down to Gwendolyn’s lips and then back to her eyes. She lifted herself to the tips of her toes, wrapping her arms around her neck as she pressed her lips to Gwendolyn’s, softly, chastely and just a tad unsure. Her heart was hammering in her chest at the intimacy that lingered between them. “I love you.” Pleadingly so, she looked up at Gwendolyn, wordlessly requesting permission to do it again.

Sighing softly, she dipped down, firmly kissing Mildred on her mouth, once, twice and over again. Tenderly, she wrapped her arms around Mildred, pulling her close, flush against herself. Her heart fluttered as she pulled back, her breathing laboured. 

“I’m so sorry,” Mildred said, tears budding in her eyes.

Gwendolyn brushed her nose against Mildred’s and brushed her hair from her face. “I forgive you,” she said, “Of course I forgive you.” With her thumb, she brushed over Mildred’s lips, wiping at the smudged lipstick. 

“What are we going to do now, though?” Mildred asked, “with Edmund, I mean.”

“I will help you,” Gwendolyn said, “We’ll just have to find a way. Together.”

Mildred dried her eyes and sniffled.

“Don’t worry about it now,” Gwendolyn said, “It’s getting late, you must be tired, you put yourself through an emotional rollercoaster today. Come—” she gave Mildred a soft push towards the bed. She kissed her again, then, gently tugging her with her as she lay down. 

Mildred’s shaking hands moved up to frame Gwendolyn’s face as she sighed softly, arching into Gwendolyn’s touch.

Gwendolyn’s hands wandered down, fidgeting with the waistband of Mildred’s robe. Gently, she undressed her, fingers caressing her stomach, inching further and further down.

Panic suddenly flooded Mildred’s system. “Stop,” she said, seizing Gwendolyn’s hands and moving them away, “ _ Please… _ ” her voice was small, fragile, pained. She sat up, pushing Gwendolyn off of her and wrapping her robe tightly around her shuddering frame. “I can’t, I am sorry, I—”

“You needn’t apologise,” Gwendolyn said. Realisation hit her. She had gone much too far, way too quickly, and that after Mildred had told her the entire story about the abuse in her past. “I’m the one who should apologise. I should have known. I’m sorry.” 

Mildred held up her hands, gesturing that it was alright. She averted her gaze, focussing on trying to get her breathing to stabilize. She hugged her knees to her chest, gently rocking herself.

“Can I do something for you?” Gwendolyn asked softly, “Can I touch your hand?”

Violently, Mildred shook her head, “Not yet.”

“Okay, my darling, I’ll wait.”

“I’m sorry,” Mildred cried, “I just wanted to make you happy. That is the sole reason I went to that puppet show anyway. I can’t give you what you want right now. I’m sorry.”

Gwendolyn’s heart shattered. Mildred, who had been so scared, who carried such a huge trauma had gone out of her way just for her, just because she had gotten mad at her for not wanting to come with her. And now, she was scared that Gwendolyn was mad because she wasn’t ready. “Mildred,” she breathed, “I'm so sorry I made you go to the puppet show. Had I known— but that is not your fault. I am the one who should be sorry,” Gwendolyn said, “As for right now… Mildred it’s okay if you’re not ready. It’s fine. I’ll wait for you. We’ll take things very slow. You’re in charge. You get to decide when and where we do anything.”

Her kind words made Mildred cry even more. She took a shuddery breath, reaching out her hand. “I love you,” she whispered.

“My darling,” Gwendolyn murmured, curling her fingers around Mildred’s pinky, “I love you too.”

And for a while, they just sat there in silence. Slowly, Mildred’s breathing turned less shallow, and the colour returned to her face. She scooted closer, hand touching to Gwendolyn’s cheek. “Thank you,” she whispered, almost managing a smile. “I think I’m okay now.” 

“Do you want me to go to the other bed?”

“No, stay.”

“Whatever you want.”

Mildred lay down, tugging the blanket over her body. “Hold my hand?”

Gwendolyn smiled, enveloping Mildred’s hand between her own as she lay down, mindful to keep at least a little distance. “Sleep tight, my love.”

Mildred raised their joint hands to her lips and kissed her palm. “Sleep tight.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the story continues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings apply for past sexual abuse and the aftermath of that

It had been about a month since the puppet show. Mildred had taken some tentative steps, allowing Gwendolyn to hold her at night, whenever she slept over, cuddling close, hands wandering tentatively. Step by step, they would go a little further every time. 

Night had fallen, casting the bedroom in complete darkness, save the light from the scented candles Gwendolyn had lit around the room. 

Mildred looked up. Gwendolyn had wrapped an arm around her, gently playing with her hair as she read a book. A soft smile tugged on her lips as her eyes scanned Gwendolyn. She loved her. With her entire heart, she loved her. She lifted her hand, turning Gwendolyn’s head to face her and pulling her down into a kiss. “Hey,” she murmured, gingerly taking off Gwendolyn’s reading glasses and placing them beside her. 

Gwendolyn smiled, throwing the book on her nightstand and wrapped her arms around Mildred’s waist, pressing small kisses to her neck and chest until she was laughing.

“I love you,” she said softly, raking her fingers through Gwendolyn’s curls. And with the utmost love she brushed her nose against hers, sweetly pecking her on the lips. “Come here I want to cuddle.” She wrapped her arms around her waist, hands slipping beneath her pyjama shirt. Gently, she dragged her fingers up and down her back. 

“Is this okay?” Gwendolyn asked, as she slid her hand up Mildred’s thigh. 

Mildred nodded, wrapping her leg around Gwendolyn’s waist and rolling onto her back. She sat up slightly, firmly pressing her lips to hers. Sighing softly, she parted her lips, letting her tongue slide against Gwendolyn’s. Over and over again, she kissed her, passionately, heatedly. 

Breathlessly, Gwendolyn severed the kiss. “You remember our system?” she asked, touching her head to hers. 

Mildred nodded. “Green for go, Orange for slow down and Red for stop.”

Gwendolyn smiled softly and kissed her. “I love you so much,” she whispered, moving her knee between her legs. Hands wandered and settled on the swells of her breasts. “Colour?”

Sighing, Mildred arched into the touch. “Green.”

“Can I take this off?” she asked, tapping Mildred’s nightgown.

Mildred gave a small nod, “Yes, green,” murmured, sitting up to aid Gwendolyn in getting the garment off. She breathed out, relishing the chilly air on her bare skin. Hands framing her face, Mildred tugged her down smiling sweetly as she kissed her. Almost subconsciously, her hips bucked up. Her heart thumped in anticipation. “I want to feel you,” she whispered, hands moving to fidget with the buttons of Gwendolyn’s pyjamas. Slowly, she undid them, sliding the blouse of Gwendolyn’s shoulders and pulling her flush against herself. An anxious tingle went down her spine as Gwendolyn’s hands began to wander more boldly. “Orange,” she said muttered, almost inaudibly. 

“What was that, my darling?”

“Orange— just… orange. Slow down just a little while.”

Gwendolyn nodded, kissing her on the forehead. She grabbed the duvet and pulled it over the two of them. “Can I put my arms around your waist?”

“Green,” Mildred said meekly, arms flung around Gwendolyn’s neck. Slowly but steadily, she began to relax again. “We’ve never gone this far, I don’t know what to do,” she confessed shyly. “I’m nervous.”

“We don’t have to do it tonight, my love,” Gwendolyn pressed a long, lingering kiss to Mildred’s lips. “We can wait until you’re ready.”

Mildred smiled softly. “I think I’m ready,” she said, “Just— guide me. Show me what to do.”

Nodding, Gwendolyn’s hands wandered down again and Mildred’s heart skipped a beat. “Wait, no, red,” she said quickly, breathing hard and fast as she caught her hands. 

Gwendolyn instantly let go, allowing Mildred some space. “Okay, sweetheart, we can stop if it’s too much.”

“No— I want this. I’m ready. Just… Can I— Maybe— can I do it to you first?” Pleading brown eyes looked up at Gwendolyn. 

With a soft smile, Gwendolyn pecked Mildred on the lips. “Of course,” she murmured, turning on her back and positioning Mildred on top of her. “It’s not so very hard,” she said, “just touch me. I’ll guide you.” Gently, she took Mildred hands, thumbs running over her palms. “It’s okay, slowly.”

Mildred exhaled, letting her hands wander and explore Gwendolyn’s body. She dipped down, pressing tentative kisses to her lips, down her neck, to her chest. “I love you,” she said softly.

Eyes twinkling, Gwendolyn sat up, pulling Mildred into a kiss. “I love you too, you’re doing well.” she whispered as Mildred’s hands travelled down.

Hesitantly, Mildred’s hands halted at the waistband of Gwendolyn’s pyjama pants. Her eyes flicked up, uncertain, seeking permission.

“Go on,” Gwendolyn smiled up at her and lifted her hands, sweetly brushing her cheeks. “You’re doing so well, my love.”

The praise sent a pleasant shiver down her spine along with the heat of arousal in the pit of her stomach. She canted her hips down, once, twice, relishing the friction that came with it and the response it evoked. She dipped down to kiss her again, chastely at first but quickly evolving. Mildred’s heart thumped quickly, fluttering with so much love, affection, worship and adoration. She slipped her hand in the waistband of her underwear, tentatively feeling, attuned to Gwendolyn’s breathless instructions.

“Like that,” Gwendolyn said, “God, Mildred,” she breathed out, tugging her down, pressing kisses to wherever she could reach. “Go on, you’re so good at that.”

More words of praise and they spurred Mildred on even more. Sliding her fingers through the slick heat, she pushed a slender finger inside, curling it slightly as she pumped at an agonizingly slow pace. 

“Mildred—” Gwendolyn breathed. 

“More?”

Gwendolyn nodded frantically, “Yes,” she pleaded, “Please.” Her hips canted up, into her touch, “Oh, my darling, you’re doing so well, I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Mildred murmured softly, kissing her deeply as she pushed another finger inside and picking up a faster pace. “Is this good?”

“Yes,” Gwendolyn choked out, “Use— use your thumb,”

Mildred moved her thumb to the sensitive bud of her center, drawing tight circles as she incessantly pumped her other fingers inside. 

Gwendolyn moaned loudly and appreciatively, mumbling words of praise, words that sent an unfamiliar heat between her legs. Letting out a shuddery exhale, she kissed her again, “I love you,” she muttered against her lips, never ceasing her ministrations. “I love you,” she says again as Gwendolyn cries out her release and wraps Mildred in a warm embrace. 

“That was so amazing, my darling,” she said, brushing the stray hairs from Mildred’s face and dragging her fingers over her features. “Are you sure you’re ready?”

Mildred didn’t reply immediately. Her mind still feared, though she trusted Gwendolyn completely. She took a deep breath and then nodded. “Green,” she said softly.

“You don’t have to do it for me. I just want to make you feel nice, if you’re ready.”

Smiling softly and kissing Gwendolyn on the nose, Mildred gave a nod. “I’m ready,” she whispered. 

Gently, Gwendolyn flipped them around, pressing Mildred against the mattress. She paused, hand hovering above her clothed breasts

“Green,” she said, sighing softly as Gwendolyn undid the garment, fingers gently curling around the newly exposed skin. She arched into the touch, letting out an appreciative moan, revelling in the delicate, careful way Gwendolyn worshipped her body, every touch deliberate, every touch mindful to not cross any boundaries. 

Gwendolyn kissed her, softly, sweetly and oh, so very lovingly. She curled her fingers into the waistband of her underwear, sliding them down after another green from Mildred. Her hands slid up, over her thigh, raising her leg over her shoulder. “What colour, sweetheart?”

“Green,” Mildred moaned, “Green, please, go on.”

Kissing her down her stomach and thighs, she pressed her lips to her center. 

Mildred’s heart fluttered, slick heat had formed between her legs and she canted her hips up, desperate for Gwendolyn’s maddening touch. Tears sprung into her eyes, either from joy or relief, she wasn’t quite sure. The world hadn’t been kind to her, not at all, she carried so much with her, so much worry, so much responsibility, so much trauma but in that moment, she was able to let go of all of that. She had Gwendolyn by her side now. She had Gwendolyn, whom she loved so dearly, and who loved her in return. Her heart swelled with joy and she could feel the pleasure building up quickly in her entire body.

It is then that she finally came undone. 

Gwendolyn held her in her arms as she came down from her high, peppering kisses to her face. “I love you so much,” she whispered, “So, so much.”

“I love you too,” Mildred murmured, pressing a long, lingering kiss to Gwendolyn’s lips and pressing their heads together. “Thank you.”

“For what, darling?”

“For being so patient. So caring.”

Gwendolyn smiled softly. “Of course, my love.”

Mildred yawned, comfortably resting her head to Gwendolyn’s shoulder, arms wrapped around her waist, an affectionate, intimate embrace. 

“Go to sleep, love, you’re exhausted.”

Eyes falling shut, Mildred gave a small nod. “We should do this again soon.”

“Tomorrow?”

A soft smile tugged on Mildred’s lips as she cuddled up closer. 

“Green.”

  
  
  



End file.
